Getting the Most from Men-toring

Mentoring is among the most effective approaches to professional development and career advancement.

Ask most senior managers and executives what helped them get where they are, and they will probably include a significant mentor.  When new clients talk about the important influences in their lives, they usually include a mentor.  One VP of sales mentioned how his mentor helped him through the unexpected death of his father. 

Women who have male mentors, however, often do not gain the same benefits from these relationships as do their male colleagues.  These findings are reported consistently in a survey[1] that companies use to identify obstacles for women in attaining senior leadership roles.  The assumption that certain topics are not discuss-able or should not have to be discussed is a major impediment to the success of the male mentor female mentee relationship.  First among these topics is whether and how the mentor will open doors to his network.  This happens quite naturally between male-male and female-female mentoring pairs.  It includes an invitation to play golf, attend a sports event, have lunch or a meet after work for a drink.  Such invitations may seem awkward or even forbidden when the mentoring relationship includes parties of the opposite sex.  What to do?

First – Have a conversation about roles, wishes and expectations.  Talk about what you would like to gain from the relationship, what role you would like the mentor to play, what you want to learn, when and how you will give each other feedback about the relationship.  I failed to talk with a mentor recently about my desire to have the relationship itself as a venue for learning.  When there was a mis-step in the relationship we had no agreement that we would talk about it or how.  Sadly we never talked about what happened and the relationship ended soon thereafter.

Talk specifically about the role of the mentor as a sponsor and advocate if that’s what you’re hoping for.  Will he help you gain access to important informal networks?  If so, how?   Will you have lunch or attend a sports event in order to be introduced to people in his network?  If that seems awkward what alternatives will achieve the same goals? What seems okay? What doesn’t?  How will you talk about potentially awkward situations?  Recently I had a client meeting scheduled prior to another meeting he was attending at a hotel.  Being a gentleman, he felt it was inappropriate to have a professional meeting with a woman in a hotel lobby or bar, so we chose a nearby coffee shop instead.

Second – Reciprocate. Your mentor is benefiting from the relationship as well. What would he like to learn or gain? How can you help?

Third – Help your mentor help you. Tell him how you learn and what you need. One of the major differences between the way men and women give and receive help centers around listening versus advising and fixing.  Women often want someone to listen.  The act of sharing the story in a relationship helps her see new and different perspectives.  This in turn opens the door to new solutions.  Men may lean more toward wanting and giving advice or lending a hand.  If you know in general or in a particular instance that you need a sounding board, say so.  If you want advice, say so.

One of my favorite female mentor role models is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  She listens empathetically to the desires of the lion, the tin man and the scarecrow and invites each to join her as she too looks for a solution to her problem.  Along the way she encourages each companion to confront a situation that requires him to use the quality he searches for, and in the process he discovers he’s had it within him all along.  In the end Dorothy also discovers that she has been in possession of the solution she thought only the grand wizard of Oz could provide.

[1] Obstacles and Levers for Women: An organization Assessment.