Somehow a post on narcissistic leaders seems timely. I don’t know (wink, wink). You tell me.
Narcissistic Leaders Patterns of Perceiving and Behaving
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
First let’s differentiate normal adult narcissism from narcissistic personality disorder and take a peek at how they develop.
The narcissistic phase of childhood begins around age two. We develop a sense of “I. Me. My. Mine”. Standing at the top of the slide we call “Look at me. Look at me.” To develop a secure sense of self, we need an approving audience at this stage of life. Most of us resolve this need. We adopt a less pervasive, less extreme, quieter narcissism to help maintain self confidence and self esteem as we face life’s ups and downs. When this phase is not resolved, narcissistic needs form a core around which the personality develops, ergo narcissistic personality disorder.
Psychologists think the disorder stems from either excessive pampering or excessive criticism. Both overly criticized and excessively pampered children may develop:
- an oversized sense of self (Wizard of Oz)
- a distorted lens for perceiving and interpreting interactions, and
- a pattern of behaviors that aggrandize the self and diminish others
This protects the overly criticized child against re-experiencing the pain he/she felt at a defenseless age. The excessively pampered child, on the other hand, doesn’t build sufficient resilience to deal with failures, mistakes and criticism. The oversized self, larger than life bluster, and pattern of blaming others, protects his thin skin and fragile confidence.
3 Signs You’re Working with a Narcissistic Leader
Narcissistic leaders who meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder display a pervasive pattern of:
- Grandiosity
- Need for admiration
- Lack of empathy
His behaviors are organized around one main principle.
I am at the center of the universe. Everything is about ME.
The resulting pattern perceiving and responding include:
- Other people’s actions are seen only in relation to himself
- There is a consistent “Look at me” quality to his behavior
- He over-inflates himself, his achievements, and his importance
- He consistently reacts to real or perceived criticism with narcissistic rage directed at his critics
- He doesn’t apologize, because others are at fault
- He may develop conspiracy theories to avoid a sense of failure
Recognizing the pattern, is the first step in learning how to maneuver narcissistic leaders on behalf of people and organizations that suffer them.
4 Principles for Maneuvering Narcissistic Leaders
- Keep in mind the narcissist’s organizing principle “Everything is about ME”.
- No intervention will bring about a personality change, so skip the feedback
- Focus on the specific action you want him to take or stop, and most importantly
- Appeal to his narcissism and put yourself on his side
How to Appeal to the Narcissism
First, identify the theme of his grandiose self image. Does he need to be uber successful, uber rich, uber in-charge, uber-right, all of the above? Make the case for the specific desired action you want him to adopt in those terms.
He needs to be the winner. Desired action: Decides to leave.
“If you leave the game now, you go out a winner. If you stay much longer, you run the risk of being perceived as a loser.”
He needs to be the center of attention. Doesn’t seek or listen to others’ ideas. Desired action: Listens more.
“Have you noticed how people pay attention when Joe, who’s a good listener and quietest person in the room, speaks up towards the end of the meeting?”
He’s enraged over a perceived insult. Desired action: Doesn’t retaliate.
“People know how smart you are. So there’s no need to prove it. Going after Steve for what he said might make you appear insecure, and while you and I know differently, we can’t be certain how other people will see it. Maybe it’s best to let it go.”
Finally, give up your hope of changing him. Focus on maneuvering his behaviors in the interest of what’s best for the organization.
Interested in how and why we choose to narcissistic leaders?