Does Fear of Shame Obstruct Power?
Shame informs the difference between right and wrong. It is a teacher after the fact and a preventative before hand. I reach for the candy counter in the store, envision putting that luscious bar of chocolate in my pocket, and picture feeling ashamed when I get caught. I walk away.
What does this have to do with power?
Bear with me as I lay out a few ideas then string them together.
Most People Do Not Want Power
In an informal poll, 70% of senior leaders in technology companies, expressed a preference for having influence but not power.
They don’t want it.
Some expressed an aversion to it.
People made comments such as “I don’t want to come within a country mile of it.” I was surprised and wanted to know why people feel this way.
Power is Neutral
Just like nature, it has no particular ethos or values. It does not care on behalf of what it is used, who benefits and who is harmed.
It is, however, a direct way to effect change. People with power have the ability to apply resources to achieve a vision. WOW! That’s powerful. So I am doubly surprised when people simultaneously say they want to make change happen and don’t want power.
Bill Gates uses his power (both influence and money) to improve health around the globe. He uses resources – dollars – to buy and distribute vaccines. I assume many people have attempted to influence him to apply his power – his resources – in other ways. Most were probably worthy causes, but he chose one. He has the power to decide. to mobilize resources, to make something happen. Others have the ability to influence him. One succeeded. Most did not. Bill made the final call. The buck, as they say, stops there. It also started there. Power.
3. So Why Do Most People Step Away from Power?
I’ve been noodling on this and had some ideas about how to answer the questions. Then I saw this powerful video that sent me in a whole new direction.
Pay close attention to the part about shame. But truly the whole thing is excellent in that shift-your-thinking sort of way, and well worth the time.
Could it Be Shame – Fear of Being Seen?
We learn to be ashamed of our imperfections. We fear fear exposing them, and our vulnerability, to the light of day. The more we hide them, the less afraid we will be, or so we think. What really happens? As we attempt to hide our vulnerabilities, we also hide our fears. But as we all learned in our early years, the object (ball, teddy bear, cookie) isn’t really gone. It’s behind someone’s back. In this case, our own.
Leading from a position of power means we will be seen even when we desire not to be. We WILL make mistakes. We WILL be exposed. People WILL watch us, most of the time under a microscope. They WILL comment. They WILL critique. Some will try to take us down. We fear they will attack our vulnerabilities to do so, and they might. So, it’s easier and more comfortable to be on the sidelines, to influence, or not to influence, but not to be visibly powerful.
Now here’s were it gets even trickier.
Vulnerability is Powerful
In the video Dr. Brene Brown talks about the power that comes from facing into vulnerability, not hiding or numbing it. She walks her talk. Demonstrates her vulnerability. She tells the world about her mis-steps, her mis-directed assumptions, her need for help. She asks her friends for the name of a therapist and unabashedly tells us, the faceless viewers, that she has done so. And we are right there with her. She has us. She re-directs us. She is powerful not despite letting us see her glorious imperfections. She is powerful BECAUSE she lets us see them and her, fully.
Stepping Up and Into Power
So here’s what I have to say to myself and those who want to remain far from power. Challenge yourself to step up and into power. Dare to be powerful. Dare to be seen. Dare to be vulnerable. Dare to embrace your imperfect-ness. Just like the diamond, it is our imperfections that make us shine – each in our own unique way. Our connection with others, at the intersection of their imperfections and our own, is a solid and powerful bond. The stronger the bond between and among us, the more we can do, the more we can fend off those who would undo us.
For excellent writing on this topic read Dr. Bret Simmons’ post Power: The Heart of Leadership