Leaders who recognize our need for a sense of belonging at work know it’s crucial for the company’s success. The need to belong drives collaboration and allows groups to achieve goals that exceed individual capabilities.
People talk about this need when I ask participants in diversity and inclusion workshops, what they gain from working, aside from pay and benefits. Answers fall into two categories – a sense of achievement and a sense of belonging.
- Being part of a team
- Camaraderie
- Being part of something bigger than myself
- A sense of achievement
The Emotions of Not Belonging
I ask people to stand if they’ve ever felt they didn’t belong. Everyone stands. They describe their emotions.
Sad
Lonely
Hurt
You can hear a pin drop. The emotions are palpable. Paradoxically, the feelings of not belonging connect people to each other. The room speaks this in its silence.
How to Create a Sense of Belonging
“When you feel you don’t belong, what do you need? What helps?”
It helps when someone reaches out.
Empathy.
When someone understands and validates my feelings. That, in and of itself, makes me feel less alone.
At that point I share stories from Deep Listening sessions we’ve been conducting at the company. These are the stories employees share when asked what it’s like to be a person of diversity in the company, in their communities, and in the world. Many of the stories are about a sense of not belonging.
Nameless has been working with the same group for 20 years. He/she is differently abled and uses a wheelchair to get around the office. While standing outside his/her cubicle, Nameless’s “team mates” make plans to go golfing together, head to the gym during lunch, etc. Nameless isn’t included. As she/he talked about this during our deep listening session, the tears welled up. She/he felt embarrassed and ashamed. “I know this shouldn’t bother me. It’s a job. I should be able to come to work, do my job and go home without over-reacting this way.
Workshop participants are asked to, “Reconsider what you said about belonging at work and what it’s like to feel you don’t belong. Imagine being in Nameless’ shoes day in and day out for twenty years. Then imagine thinking there’s something wrong with you for feeling sad, lonely, hurt and isolated, as Nameless does. If Nameless is part of your team, what can you do to help?”
They reply, “Reach out.” “Think of something Nameless can do and invite him/her to join us.” “Apologize.” “Ask Nameless for suggestions.”
Belonging is Essential for the Company’s Success
After connecting to the emotions of not belonging, we shift to the cognitive brain and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The need for love and belonging precedes our need for esteem. In fact, belonging builds self-esteem.
There’s an evolutionary logic at play here. Our ancestors’ survival relied on social bonds. Thus, our brains are now wired in ways that direct us to establish lasting relationships and social bonds – to belong. Our need to belong is as essential to our emotional and physical well beings as food and safety. (Barnes, Carvallo, Brown & Osterman, p. 1149, 2010)
The benefits of creating a sense of belonging at work, for ourselves and others, extends well beyond diversity and inclusion. It is a fundamental factor in the organization’s success. Thus, the responsibility for creating sense of belonging falls to all leader’s, manager’s and employees. It’s the humane, human, and smart thing to do.