A combination of encounters has me thinking about how we learn to choose resilience. Why some people stand up to obstacles, challenges and set backs and why others fold.
The first is a quote by LaRae Quy
Being coddled (Why does that remind me of hiding in a cave?) doesn’t help us become resilient. Choosing resilience does.
The second is a conversation with Rina Raman, Resilient Human, Mom, Daughter, Wife, Hike Organizer and VP, General
Manager, Intel. We talked about overcoming obstacles during Covid and how she developed a resilient mindset.
Whether you’re an adult seeking to build resilience muscles or a parent who wants to raise resilient children, Rina’s story and the tips that follow will show you how.
To Choose Resilience
See Obstacles as Opportunities
First, let’s define resilience.
The power and ability to return to our physical, psychological and emotional baseline after being slammed, bent, compressed, stressed or stretched by life’s inevitable hardships.
Rina is achievement oriented and goal directed. In 2020 she set challenge goals to complete two difficult hikes. Both were outside the U.S. She carefully planned all aspects of the treks and booked her trips. Then, Covid. Rina took a breath and bounced. Same challenging goals, different destinations.
“As it became clear we wouldn’t be traveling, I made a list of places in the Southwest I’ve wanted to hike, but haven’t because of heavy work travel. Covid removed that obstacle. (New obstacle removes previous one.) I had many local possibilities to choose from.”
And choose she did. Rina organized and completed several overnight group hikes in the Grand Canyon, Tahoe Rim Trail, Palm Springs, and Zion National Park.
Even in the worst situation, there’s an opportunity. It’s not the one you were looking for, but it’s the one that’s here now. Rina Raman
Learn to Choose Resilience
I heard the resilient bounce in Rina’s voice and asked how she accounts for her upbeat can-do attitude. She learned from family members who chose or faced new challenges and overcame obstacles along the way.
We learn from new challenges – those that are thrust on us and those we seek.
My great grandmother, widowed with four children at age 21, went to work, saved money and invested it well. Not something she, or her female contemporaries, were expected or taught to do. (Choosing resilience means taking risks, trying new things and learning in the school of hard knocks.)
My uncle ripped apart a brand new shirt. Then told his daughter to learn how to sew by using it as a pattern. It was the first step in her professional life as a sought after seamstress. (Resilience is a can do attitude we develop by doing what we previously couldn’t.)
Another uncle moved to the US for dialysis treatments that weren’t available in India. Dialysis requires a flexible schedule, so he gave up his engineering career and became a taxi driver. (We develop resilience when we meet life’s hardships by letting go of what we know and expect.)
My mother was a chemist and business woman in India. She gave up her career so we could move to the states and support my uncle and his family. When we arrived, she worked at a farmer’s market and a grocery store. Later she was employed in the accounting department at a university. There she took free classes and earned her MBA.
Let Go of Woe Is Me
When I cried about being teased and beat up at my new school in the U.S., I wanted my mom to protect me. But she wasn’t a woe-is-me type. So, she provided assurance instead. “You’ll find a way to handle it.” I rose to meet her sense of who I could be. In the process of finding new friends and learning how to fit in, I discovered how resilient I can be.
I’m grateful for the experience. It taught me how to make friends of people who, at first, didn’t accept me because I was different. If I can do that, I can be, and work, with all kinds of people.
Three Tips for Choosing Resilience
Themes and tips for choosing resilience appear in Rina’s stories.
1. Let go – Rina, her great grandmother, uncles and mother all let go of something they valued and expected.
- Career
- New shirt
- Protection
2. See obstacles as opportunities
- Now that I can’t travel, what do I have time for?
- What new and useful things can I study in the U.S.?
- How can I adopt a flexible schedule?
- How can I learn to make new friends?
3. Create Your Own Obstacle Course
Life presents us with challenges and obstacles to overcoming them. Prepare yourself, and your children, by choosing new challenges and obstacles to practice on.
- Learn to ski. Obstacle? Falling down
- Join a book group. Obstacle? Giving up the comfort of your couch and television time
- Go to a new church or synagogue. Obstacle? Overcoming shyness
Tips for Parents
A dose of empathy is fine. Coddling is not.
Encourage, inspire and cheer your children on as they address obstacles and difficulties. Do not do it for them.
Coaching to help them find their own solutions is fine. Telling them what to do is not.
Client Vignette: My son is going through his first breakup. It’s hard to watch. I’m tempted to give advice, share how I felt when my heart was first broken and what I did to recover. But he has to find his own way. Good Dad!