Duped Again
Over the past few months I’ve been engaged in several conversations about how we get fooled in business and in life. The first discussion was with Dorothy Dalton, executive search and career consultant, after she posted an article about being duped by a colleague. The second series of conversations took place after the discovery that a social media rock star, who was purportedly orphaned as a child and raising money for an orphanage through sales of his book, was and still is a fraud. No orphanage and probably no orphan was he. And of course Bernie Made-off-with-your-money comes up often as well.
While I have no academic credentials to claim expertise on the topic, I have been duped enough times to have learned a few things. But let me be more clear in the extent of my studies. I was duped by the same person repeatedly over the course of a number of years. So you see, I’ve had the opportunity to study the pattern up close and personal and in accordance with the scientific method, I repeated the experiment at least three times. The result was always the same. The promise made was not kept, and I always came up empty. I, Professor Dupid, the constant variable, was fooled each and every time.
The Duper
People ask how to identify dupers sometimes referring to them as sociopaths. To fully understand the dynamic and to avoid it altogether it is necessary not only to identify the duper but the dupee inside each of us as well.
The Duper
- knows how to read you (and others)
- lacks a sense of truly caring about people
- uses what he reads to his own advantage
- is cold hearted but appears to really care
- demonstrates what the duped wants and needs – to be special (Bernie Madoff), to be seen (my duper), to be loved, to be safe, to be rich, to know the answers without having to learn
The Dupee
The Dupee, that’s me and you, has a longstanding unfulfilled need. A father’s adoration. A mother’s understanding. A sense of fulfillment. Being special, seen completely, or loved unconditionally. Perhaps we had it once and lost it or never experienced it at all. The need is often outside our awareness, but it can drive us relentlessly to seek its fulfillment nonetheless.
Why is Charlie Brown susceptible to Lucy’s tricks over and over? He longs to be included. He needs a friend. Lucy repeatedly provides the appearance that she will answer Charlie’s longing, only to take it away at the very moment when he is about to touch the pigskin. Why? Because Lucy is not and never will be the friend that Charlie needs.
What did the social media rockstar, the man who would take care of orphans, provide? A sense that the world yet might one day be perfect. It could be a place where people take care of those who have lost it all. Why would that reel us in like hungry fish? If the world is a place where orphans can receive love then it may just be a place where the dupee can recover a parent’s perfect love or receive it for the first time. If orphans can be rescued so too might I.
How to Stop Being Duped
End the longing. Why? The need is old and the time to fulfill it has long since past. A child who lacked proper nutrients to support his growth at age six cannot at age 36 make up for what he missed so long ago. The same is true for the psychological building blocks. Attempts to fill childhood needs in adult years is like pouring water into a hole in the sand. The water is continuously absorbed and the hole is never filled.
How do you stop the longing? Grieve what never was or what has been lost, so you can let it go. Then what? Then you will notice the crack in the Duper’s veneer. You will see what is there and what is not, because your needs no longer fool you to wish into existence that which cannot be. You will hear that the man who would save the orphans has a voice like a mouse. When you hear it you will turn away. You will trust that Bernie Madoff offers something too good to be true, and you will turn away. You will know that the woman or the man who promises to rescue you is a fantasy, and you will turn away. You will know the one who guarantees you riches will become so himself and leave you penniless. You will see the greed in his hands. You will hear it in their voices. You will see it in their eyes. You will read it in their hearts. You will know because you cannot be fooled by your own longing.
Perhaps none of this applies to you. Then again, perhaps the arena of dupidness is buried deep as was mine (pun). Walk away. Let this brew in the way back of your mind. Something may emerge later.