Extreme Listening – the benefits
Extreme listening helps you solve people problems faster and more effectively.
Extreme listening hears and uses the emotional component of the problem.
Want to know the secret of extreme listening? Listen slowly as you read this post. Listen with your whole body.
What is Extreme Listening?
When I get very quiet and listen to people with my body, as well as my ears, I pick up on things that would otherwise remain lost. Listening with the body opens up a whole new channel. One that’s rich with important information from the emotional realm.
Extreme listening expands and strengthens your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence increases your understanding of individuals, relationships, and group dynamics. It helps you solve people problems, because when relationships are involved, the emotional component of the problem is critical to the solution.
Extreme Listening – A How to Guide
POINT 1: Pay exquisite attention to your body sensations
All emotions have a physical component. They’re brought on by signals from the brain that trigger physiological arousal. The language we use to describe our felt experience of emotions reflects this physiological aspect.
- Chills up my spine
- Butterflies in my stomach
- Heart pounding
- Sweaty palms
- Sick with grief
- Queasy feeling
- Broken heart
What kind of an emotion of fear would be left if the feeling neither of quickened heart-beats nor of shallow breathing, neither of trembling lips nor of weakened limbs, neither of goose-flesh nor of visceral stirrings, were present, it is quite impossible for me to think … I say that for us emotion dissociated from all bodily feeling is inconceivable.
William James, 1893 (Psychology: p. 379.)
POINT 2: Ask where body sensations originate? Who produced them?
You’re listening to Al, one of your direct reports. He’s describing a difficult interaction with a peer that he’s trying to resolve. While Al speaks, you notice a tightness in your stomach. Where did this sensation originate? Are you reminded of something in your own life that makes you feel tense? If the answer is no, perhaps it’s Al’s stomach that’s tight, and you’re picking it up from him.
It’s likely that as Al talks about the incident, he has a physiological memory of the emotions that occurred when it took place. Al isn’t necessarily aware of these physical sensations and emotions But they are present, in the room, and you can pick them up.
I know because this happens to me frequently. When it does, I move to point 3.
POINT 3: Ask the other person if they noticed any body sensations
Let’s return to your conversation with Al. Refer back to the point in the story when your stomach felt tight. Then ask Al whether he noticed a body sensation at that time.
“When you were talking about John’s sharp tone of voice, did you notice anything in your body, a visceral response, an emotion?”
If Al responds affirmatively, the conversation now includes the emotional component of his experience. Together, you can use this information to understand what happened more fully and to address it more effectively.
If Al isn’t aware of any body sensations or emotions, you can talk about your own experience.
“I felt my stomach tighten and wondered if that may have been how you felt during the exchange?” This may heighten Al’s awareness, and if so, you have richer information that will lead to a more effective resolution.
Extreme listening brings emotional information into awareness. Emotions are a power tool to help you understand and resolve those sticky tricky human interactions that wreak havoc in the workplace.
Final Words – Be patient with yourself. Extreme listening takes practice, but once you get your first hit, you’ll be hooked.