When Leaders Get Triggered – The Fix

When Leaders Get Triggered

Triggers occur when current events set off difficult emotions from past experiences that have a similar emotional heart print.

Everyone has triggers.

Everyone gets triggered.

But when leaders get triggered the effects spread further and deeper due to the leader’s power and scope of influence.

Triggers Unravel Us

When leaders get triggered strong emotions that left scars on the heart are at play.

• Hurt
• Shame
• Fear
• Feeling alone, abandoned, cut off, unloved, rejected

So are negative messages that were imprinted on the brain.

• “Something’s wrong with me” “
• “I’m not good enough”
• “I’m unlovable”

We don’t associate leadership with this type of vulnerability. But leaders, like all of us, had painful experiences, and like all of us, leaders get triggered.

Nine Steps to Deactivate Triggers

We can’t erase the memory and we may always feel something niggling even after we de-activate the trigger. But we’re able to name the niggle. Naming creates a space between our reactions and our actions. In that space we can choose what to do, or to do nothing.

The next time you get triggered:

1. Take a breath
2. Don’t act
   • Be still (Go somewhere quiet by yourself. If this isn’t possible in the moment, recall the incident later, and go through these steps)
3. Pay attention to your body sensations and emotions
4. Name them
   • Heat
   • Muscle tension
   • Tightness
   • Anger
   • Sadness
5. Greet these emotions as you would an old friend. It’s our rejection of difficult emotions that turns them into unwanted actions.
   • “Hello anger. I see you’re back.”
6. Don’t judge
   • When you do judge, and you will, bring yourself back to just noticing
7. If a memory comes up, examine it with curiosity
   • How did I feel?
   • What negative message about myself did I take from this experience?
8. From the person you are now, offer care, tenderness and understanding to the person you were when the incident occurred. You might put your hand to your heart.
   • “You were bullied. You felt hurt, humiliated. When your friends didn’t help you thought no one cared about you. You thought you weren’t likable. Of course this left you vulnerable to feeling hurt, humiliated and quick to react with anger when you think people aren’t there for you.
9. Create a name for what happened
   • 5th grade bully

The next time you’re triggered, bring your hand to your heart and offer care, tenderness, understanding. The emotion will soften and dissolve.

My Trigger Story

At a silent meditation retreat, I’m focused on noticing what’s happening in the moment, each moment for seven days. I find myself doing a number of small things that tiptoe ever so slightly over the edge of the rules. I don’t break the silence, but I make eye contact, exchange a look, pass a note. All of this is a no-no. I ask why I’m doing this. I’m curious, not accusatory. “He was crying. It’s cruel not to reach out when someone’s in pain.”

I notice and name “Excuses. Justification.”

Breathe.

Sit.

“I want to feel special.”

• Breathe
• Sit.
• Nothing.

• A memory.

My father is staring out the window, lost inside his depression. I’m 10 years old and feel lost by him, abandoned, not his special girl anymore. Sadness, tears, more tears. Then compassion for the little girl I was.

• A smile
• A softened heart
• Acknowledgement

“That’s you wanting to feel special. Of course you did.”

The next time a thought about breaking the rules came up, I smiled. With a hand to my heart I acknowledged, “That’s you my dear, wanting to feel special. Of course you did.” And then, I didn’t break the rules, but I smiled at myself for thinking about it.