You, and I, have read how men and women communicate differently. I’ve even written about it. But the other day I had a huge AHA in this arena, while talking across the table, and across the gender divide, with my husband.
We bumped into a dynamic that we’ve encountered hundreds of times. But this time I understood it in a different way. This difference had everything to do with my having spent the weekend meditating at a retreat led by Tara Brach. Much of our “sitting” focused on compassion. It seems compassion, and her partner, empathy, are the compound for resolving most human problems. It was, and is compassion, that allowed me to reach across the gender divide more easily, more effectively, without frustration and with an open heart.
The Gender Divide
Back to the old and well worn path of communications across the gender divide between Mr. and me.
It goes like this.
- HE’s talking about something. Let’s call it A.
- I listen for a while, and then resonate with something he said. I pick it up like a thread and join the conversation. At least, that’s the way I see it.
- Mr. sees it differently. I’m interrupting, not listening.
Then the argument about how we communicate begins.
Me: I thought this was a conversation. I have some things to add to the conversation.
Him: I was talking. I want to finish what I was saying.
Me: That’s not a conversation. It’s a monologue.
This is code for, your ego needs all the talking space.
Not surprisingly, Mr. perceives my words as an attack.
Our voices grow louder. The louder we get, the less we hear, and see, each other.
The conversation often ends with my declaration that “This conversation is over.”
The hurt, frustration, and damage to our relationship, linger.
Conversations Between Women
Women’s conversations are a journey. There are on ramps, off ramps and side trips along the way. We travel down Main Topic Highway and along side roads called Connection, Relationship, and Discovery.
Here’s how communications go between women, without the gender divide.
- Andrea starts talking about A (Main Topic Highway)
- Diane sees a relationship between A and L
- She names the connection and talks about L (Connection Road)
- Others join in and add to the conversation about L (Relationship Drive)
- Then Anita sees a connection between L and X
- She introduces X to the conversation (Discovery Avenue)
- The conversation moves from X to D, E, F, and so on
- Eventually someone asks, “What were we talking about?” We recreate the circuitous path and return to A (Main Topic Highway)
Man conversations that don’t cross the gender divide, are often more linear. They go from point A to point B. The journey is more direct, the side roads a distraction. Interruptions happen, but they are lane changes, not side roads.
Compassion Crosses the Gender Divide
Compassion lives in the heart. When my husband and I talk across this gender divide, without the heart of compassion by my side, I judge him. The judgments sound like this:
- This is not a conversation. It’s a monologue.
- His ego is center stage
- He doesn’t want to hear what I have to say
This leads to:
- I’m not being seen, or heard
When I listen with compassion, I’m attending to the speaker’s heart – in this case, my husband.
I see HIM. He needs to tell the whole story. HE needs to be seen. By me. He wants ME to see HIM, to understand who he is through his story.
What a gift – for me.
My heart gives back generously, with warmth and compassion.