- Narcissus gazes lovingly at his reflection
Numerous articles are written about the narcissistic leader and the abundance thereof.1 Coincidence? Accident? Neither, rather an unintended and inevitable consequence of unrealistic fantasies concerning who and what the leader will be for us.These fantasies stem, in part, from unresolved childhood disappointment, that our parents were neither perfectly suited to meet our needs nor omnipotent.
We demand a great deal from our leaders (and our parents). We hold them under a constant spotlight. We readily criticize and rarely praise them. We, those who are not leading, are full of advice about how they ought to be and what they ought to do differently. We expect them to solve complex problems in ways that create no pain for us.
We seek in our leaders the magical non-existent near-perfect omnipotent father upon whom we can depend. Furthermore we want a leader who enables us to avoid the challenges and choices we must face in growing up. Because neither the leader, nor our parents, can do this – nor should they – we are continuously angry, disappointed or both. Until we resolve that this life, our life, is full of challenges, dangers, and choices that make us feel vulnerable and imperfect, we ask…
“Please be perfect for me,” and by doing so, we invite the leader who thinks he is so.
Enter the Narcissistic Leader
Who but the narcissistic leader would be seduced by such a fantasy? And how many are humble yet bold enough not to be seduced and agree to lead us? Think Lincoln, Obama, Ghandi, Mandela. Unfortunately, more of the former than the latter answer the call.
How Grows the Narcissistic Leader?
We all employ narcissistic defenses at times. What differentiates the narcissistic personality is a matter of degree, regularity and failure to grow beyond this stage. He is a one act play. Regardless of what is called for, he responds narcissistically.
What is the narcissistic defense? Imagine a child age 4 – 6. See and hear him yelling “Mommy, Daddy, look at me. Look at me,” as he stands at the top of the slide, rides his bike or performs some other feat. At this phase children see themselves as the center of the universe and their parents as all powerful figures who are there solely to cater to the child’s needs. It must be so, because life without parents who can protect and fill us with confidence is too overwhelming and dangerous for a young defenseless child.
If this stage is not satisfactorily addressed or resolved, the child can develop a solid wall of defense against a world that could at any moment deliver a cruel blow to his sense of self (self esteem) and his sense of safety. As an adult, the child for whom these issues are not resolved, may continue the narcissistic defense such that he fluctuates between two views of himself, the one wholly inadequate and the other highly over-valued. The latter defends against the former.
The Narcissistic Leader in Action
Observing the narcissist leader as he recovers from a slight to his self-esteem is like watching a magician, abracadabra and all.
The scene is well-represented in Cast Away, when Chuck, played by Tom Hanks, succeeds in lighting a fire. Notice how he places Wilson Volleyball, the stand-in for adoring parent, in a perfect position to play audience for all that Chuck, center of the universe, is about to achieve. Watch how Chuck continues to check and make sure Wilson is watching.
Be mindful that Chuck recently suffered narcissistic injuries when the whole world (the ultimate parent) abandoned him to fend for himself. Then adding insult to injury he fails his first attempt to light a fire and meet his most basic need. Perhaps he will not make it. This realization that I too will end, is the ultimate narcissistic injury.
I recall a brief encounter with a CEO and one of the most blatantly narcissistic leaders I’ve ever met. My manager (his direct report) and I were meeting when Tom entered the room – uninvited. Every hair perfectly in place, donning a custom made Italian suit, he announced (with no realization or apology for the interruption) “It’s my birthday. Guess how old I am?” (Recall, “Mommy, look at me. Look at me.) Clearly we were to guess a year well-below reality. Following the requisite admiration for his good looks, he exited the room.
How to Stop Choosing the Narcissistic Leader
We continue to seek the perfect parent in others, until we accept that our parents failed us at times, and that it had to be that way. The narcissist leader, who believes himself to be near perfect, is and our selected, albeit unconscious, answer.
How do we stop choosing him?
Accept that our parents failed us, and that is the way it must be.
Accept that the world is perfectly imperfect, as are we and those who lead us.
Accept the challenges of adult life.
Accept our own imperfection and vulnerability.
Accept there is no wizard of Oz but merely a journey on which we must find the answers to our own questions and quests.
Then, we can accept that the leader is there to shine a light, to bring us together, but not to do the work that each of us must do on our own and through our collective efforts.
Finally, we might even ask the leader what he needs from us to lead well.
Maccoby, M.(2000). Narcissistic Leaders, The Incredible Pros, The Inevitable Cons. Best of Harvard Business Review, 2000. Accessed at http://showsupport.typepad.com/odyssey/files/ccc-081208-macoby.pdf