How might your leadership improve if you could:
- Understand others’ motives
- Accurately outline the moves of key players and stakeholders several steps ahead
- Gain influence for your cause by appealing to what people care about most
Rapid access to such information is a critical asset for leaders. Empathy enables an intimate intuitive understanding of others. It is also an innate human capability but is often ignored or undervalued particularly in western business settings that favor logical analysis. As a result we learn to suppress or ignore cues – both internal and external – that would otherwise serve as an invaluable source of wisdom. Fortunately empathy is like a muscle that expands and grows stronger with use. What follows is a guide to increasing your capacity for empathy so in a nanosecond you can know what matters most.
1. Expand your view of how people communicate
People usually focus on the words and content of what others say. But communicaton occurs on other levels and fields as well. Consider what the body communicates with subtle changes to overall posture, stance, position in the room, and physical distance; what is communicated by vocal tone, volume, rhythm, speed and pacing; or what you can tell from facial expression, eye movements, the set of the jaw and mouth. When do these changes occur and what do they signal? Does the person use more fact or feeling based language? Do they seem closed to or inviting of different perspectives?
2. Pay attention to these new fields and levels of communication
Choose several low risk settings, such as someone else’s staff meeting, and practice attending to these other cues. Let words and content fade into the background, and allow the cues described above to move into the foreground. This might seem difficult and awkward at first like trying to hear the harmony instead of the melody. You might be concerned about missing important information. Be patient. With practice you will “hear” and “see” both spoken and unspoken messages. In the meantime, people are usually happy to repeat themselves.
3. Notice what’s happening on the inside
There is a type of physics to the way emotions or sense of another person is transmitted. People produce energy that is not bounded by the limits of the physical body. This energy exists in the surrounding field. When you understand how to read the signals from the energy in this field you can capture important information. First you have to learn how your own body and mind provides you with these signals. Here are some clues. Pay attention to what’s going on in your body. You may get visceral cues. You are probably familiar with the expression “The hair on the back of my neck stood up,” indicating that something frightening, not right or just plain creepy is in the field.
When you are with others, notice emotions or thoughts especially those that arise quickly and seemingly out of nowhere. You may be puzzled, not understanding why you suddenly feel this way or have a certain thought. Do you feel the pressure of tears building up? Do you experience a sense of anxiety in the pit of your stomach? Are you confused? Do you feel a lightness in your belly, an on-coming smile or laugh? If you find yourself knowing or hearing in your head the end of someone’s story before they get to it, that is also a form of intuitive knowledge or empathy.
4. Write and Reflect
After your practice situation take at least 15 minutes to write what you noticed. Then step back mentally and pay attention to whatever comes up. Don’t focus, concentrate or try to think. Relax your mind as if gazing upon the far horizon, taking in whatever there is to be seen while looking for nothing in particular. Notice and record new thoughts, insights, images, short daydreams or feelings. If you can, find a partner for this exercise, somebody who is highly empathic and intuitive. Tell them what you noticed and share any insights, questions, and reactions. Avoid having them do this work for you. Use them as a facilitator of your own experience, a sounding board, someone who can reflect your thoughts back to you and help explore their meaning.
5. Review, Evaluate and Enjoy
Review your notes a week or two later. Did any of your new thoughts or insights prove true? Did they lead you in a new direction? What new discoveries emerged in the succeeding weeks? Do you see any patterns?
With continued practice you will notice more and discover new meanings and interpretations. Soon you will see repeating patterns that enable you to predict future moves on the human chess board. You will become more adept at intervening and moving people in the needed direction. As an added side benefit you will most certainly feel less stressed and enjoy yourself more.
If you are interested in learning more about improved business performance as a result of empathy go to my blog and read Empathy, Product Design and Increased Sales or Empathy Improves Team Performance. To read about the master of empathy see the book review of A Team of Rivals.