Why Real Leaders Apologize
Real leaders apologize because inevitably they do things that hurt people. It might be an unfortunate side effect of a business decision, such as shutting down a plant. Dozens, hundreds, even thousands will suffer the impact. It could be a product failure that harmed customers. Sometimes it’s more personal. You step on people’s toes or say the wrong thing. We all make mistakes, but when you’re leading, the mistakes have a more wide-spread impact.
How Real Leaders Apologize
Begin with Empathy
When real leaders apologize, they start from a place of empathy. A felt sense of the other person’s experience is the core of your apology – the heart of the matter, so to speak. When your apology comes from the heart, people know it – immediately. Their heart softens in return. This is the physics of caring, of being compassionate. One softened heart, softens another. The opposite is also true. When you are simply uttering words, without heart, people also know it – immediately. Your non-apology is delivered with a hard heart and is received with a hard heart, in return. Hard hearted-ness does not beget forgiveness. What you are more likely to receive is cynicism. Which is what you deserve by offering an unapologetic heart.
So, if you can’t begin with empathy, go no further. An apology without empathy is worse than no apology, because you layer wrong-doing with insincerity. Sincerity builds trust. Insincerity destroys it. How can I trust what you say if you’re insincere at times? Once you understand, by way of empathy, how your words or deeds landed on people, it’s easier to take the remaining steps required to deliver a sincere apology.
What to Say
Focus on four things.
- Say you’re sorry. “I am deeply sorry and regret calling you out in public.”
- Show your understanding of how they felt. “I understand how embarrassed I made you feel.”
- Take responsibility. “I should have exercised greater patience and waited to talk in private.”
- Talk about what you’ll do differently going forward. Consider asking them to help. “I’m committed to doing better at recognizing my own frustration, taking a breath, and considering other people’s feelings before I speak. I’d like your help. Would you be willing to clear your throat loud enough for me to hear, If you see me growing impatient?”
What Not to Say
Do not, under any circumstances, explain away what you did. Do not present your rationale. Do not divert attention to something else. Apologies are short, sweet, and focused on the four things listed above. The apology is NOT about you, other than taking responsibility for your actions, It is, for the most part, about them. Stick to:
- Naming what you did and saying you’re sorry
- Showing you understand how it affected people
- Taking responsibility, and
- Ensuring it won’t happen again