To Build Self Confidence Know that Context Matters
Sam is global senior vice president of a 10,000 person company. For the first time in his 30+ year career, Sam is addressing a room of professional women, eighty of them. He’s the only man in the room.
All his life Sam has worked in in a male dominated industry. He has spoken to larger audiences, presented to Wall Street wolves, and remained cool calm and collected when facing angry customers.
But on this day, with this group – of women – his knees were knocking. He was sweating bullets, and his mouth was dry. He was very nervous, but he found the courage to stand up on those wobbly legs and speak.
Prior to facing the room full of women, Sam sought lots of advice about what to say and how to say it, from professional women, myself included. To build self confidence Sam practiced. He asked, and I agreed, to hold two dress rehearsals.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to face our fears.
Meet Your Younger Confident Self
You were once a little girl who crawled on all fours. Then one day, your courage and confidence led the way as you stood up on those chubby little legs and put one wobbling leg forward. You swayed back and forth, to and fro, barely keeping your balance. Then, you shifted your weight and put the other foot forward.
You had no reason to think you would succeed at this task called walking. After all, you had never done it before. BUT YOU TRIED, AND TRIED AND TRIED AGAIN. Everyone admired your fortitude.They cheered and applauded.
It took years to master the walk to the point where you don’t even think about it anymore. .
Then you grew up and went to work in The Corporation where you played The Game on the Field of Business. It’s a sport invented by men for men. More recently, women, like you, started to play, but the rules are still governed by men. Most of your colleagues are men. So are the referees and score keepers.
They understand the rules better than you do. They have a support network of other men who help each other get up when they fall. You don’t share that network. In fact, you’re often the only woman in the room. You, a once self confident baby girl, who had the courage to walk, to fall down, to stand up and walk again, lack self confidence on this field.
Remember Sam? He felt this same way, when the context was unfamiliar and he was the only man in the room. But he stood on those wobbly legs and tried. You can too. Here’s how.
Your 3 Step Program to Build Self Confidence
Step 1: Find a memory of your most courageous self
Before you enter that scary conference room or sit on that speaker panel, recall a memory of your courageous self. Maybe you sang at your best friend’s wedding in front of 200 strangers. Maybe you skied down the black diamond trail.
Step 2: Get in infusion of courage
Hook up an imaginary IV to your self in that memory. Let the liquid courage make it’s way from her to you, in the here and now. Let if flow. Notice where it lands in your body. It may begin in your chest, your gut, your brain. Let it spread.
Step 3: Hear the positive message. Let it fill your brain
Using your first name, say
“_____ you have the courage to do this and the confidence to try.”
Let that message fill every cell in your brain. (Note: Using the pronoun “I” is less effective)
Now open the conference room door, and
Go! Play! Have Fun! Have Courage! Build Self Confidence!
A version of this post first appeared in 3Plus International e-Gazine