Sorry Matters

It’s inevitable. You step on people’s toes at work. Saying “I’m sorry,” matters more than you think.

Especially if you’re the boss and it’s your foot that lands on top.

I’m Sorry

“I am deeply and truly sorry.”

A genuine apology (genuine being the operative word) may do more than repair relationships. It can strengthen them.

People often carry scars from childhood injuries – the psychological kind. The absence of apology (empathy) to a child often hurts more and usually lasts longer than the original pain. An apology for something that occurs today can heal a wound for a past apology that should have been but wasn’t offered.

The next time you say “I’m sorry,” watch what happens. The other’s body, eyes and voice soften. Your relationship improves. They may even tell you about the old scar. Trust becomes stronger.

Two Sorry Stories

Story #1

M, a coaching client, is a senior manager and direct report to an Executive Vice President. She is fiercely self-reliant. She also “gets” people. These qualities emerge in part from having grown up in a chaotic household with an alcoholic father and no mother. As a child her safety depended on her ability to read her father’s mood. On the down side, she has a difficult time believing people will really be there for her.

I am diligent about being on time and often arrive early for our meetings because underneath M’s competence rests a long term insecurity and fear of trusting others. On one occasion, however, there was confusion about the start time and place of our meeting. I arrived later than she did, and we both went to different meeting rooms.

When we found each other she was agitated, near panic and angry. In her view I was late. She assumed I had forgotten about her. Her voice trembled and her eyes watered as she spoke.

She had let her guard down and trusted me, not something she did easily. When I did not show up on time, she fell and plummeted into the deep hole of her childhood. Our relationship was damaged. She would close up. Our work would be less effective. We would end soon and prematurely.

“I am so deeply and truly sorry. I blew it. You expected me to be here, and I should have been. It is simply not okay for me to be late or confused about our appointments. You’ve entrusted me to watch for your best interests, and I owe it to you to uphold and honor that trust.”

Soften. Soften. Soften.

I have apologized for the many apologies she never received.

Story #2

Our 21 year old son got in a fight at college while attempting to defend the honor and reputation of his fraternity. I attended his hearing before the co-chair of the Ethics and Conflict Resolution Committee. Ms. Committee Chair was relentless. She went after him like a prosecuting attorney, body leaning forward on the table where she sat across from him. “When did you start to think your attempt to get these students away from the fraternity house might escalate? How many times did you go outside? How long did you talk to them? What was the volume of your voice? At any time did you think there was something else you could do to address the situation?”

Jordan answered each question. When she asked “Why did you get involved?” He replied, “I am passionate about my fraternity and care about all the brothers. These relationships are important to me. I don’t want anyone doing anything to bring negative attention to our house.” She was unswayed and maintained her aggressive tone. Then….

One hour and fifteen minutes into the hearing Jordan said, “I really regret what I did. I’m sorry I’ve caused so much trouble for the fraternity, for the school, for myself. If I was allowed to I’d ask to take him (the student J. hit) to lunch.”

Soften. Soften. Soften.

Her body physically relaxed. She sat back in her chair.

The threatened suspension was lifted.

Apologize

Say you are sorry not because you did something wrong but because the other person thinks you did. They are hurt.

What’s Stopping You?

Ego. How do I know? I’ve been there. My Ego usually arrives riding a high horse. But I’m learning to get Ego down off that horse quickly. The more I do so the less Ole Ms Ego seems to ride into town.