Covid is teaching us that leaders need to show they care. They need to be kind and compassionate. Frank wondered whether he should go even further and step into tender hearted leadership. Shortly before Frank came to his coaching session, with this question in mind, I’d taken a quick stroll through my Twitter feed and noticed your tender hearts.
Several people asked for birthday wishes. You granted them. Someone’s fiancé and sister died within days of each other. She wondered if she would ever stop feeling the pain. You responded with love and compassion. Then came Danny…
I wondered whether and where people are finding and expressing open-heartedness in their three dimensional lives. Is it happening at work, where many people spend most of their time and energy? Are leaders opening their tender hearts? What happens when they do? These questions were in my heart-mind when Frank, Chief Nursing Officer in a large healthcare system, arrived for his session.
Frank’s Tender Hearted Leadership Tale – Part 1
Names, titles and organizational affiliations have been changed, but the essence of the tender hearted leadership tale is true.
Frank oversees all nursing functions in several hospitals, including three Intensive Care Units. Two are currently for Covid patients only. Frank has been meeting one on one with every ICU nurse to express appreciation for what they’re doing and acknowledge what they’re going through.
Like soldiers in battle, some ICU nurses maintain their ability to function by steeling themselves in the face of their patients’ physical and emotional pain, and in the face of their own. But sometimes the steel cracks and the pain finds its way through, as it did with Dianna.
Frank: I just want to check in and find out how you’re doing.
Dianna: I’m okay.
Frank: How’s everything at home?
Dianna: My daughter is doing well but it’s challenging for my son to sit through online lessons. I’m on his case constantly.
As the conversation continues, Frank notices Dianna’s lack of energy and emotion. He could be talking to a statue. He’s concerned and wonders what’s really going on but doesn’t ask. Frank shares this story during our next coaching session.
Frank’s Tender Hearted Coaching Session
Coach: It sounds like you’re not satisfied with how you responded and want to do something different.
Frank: Yes, but I don’t know what or how or if it’s okay.
Coach: That last bit, “If it’s okay,” sounds like you have a sense about how you want to be different but might be afraid to think it or say it out loud.
Frank: I think I might. I just wanted to ask, “What’s really going on?” But it feels harsh, maybe intrusive.
Coach: How can you make it less harsh and intrusive?
Frank: Instead of crashing through the door, I could ring the bell and invite her to come out.
Coach: How?
Silence
Frank: Maybe just tell her what I noticed her lack of energy and emotion, and ask if there’s something she’d like to talk about.
Frank’s Tender Hearted Leadership Tale – Part 2
So he did. Frank invited Dianna to tea during her break.
Frank: These are really difficult times, and I’m concerned about people. When we met this morning, I noticed something different about your energy. It seemed like you weren’t really there. I wondered what was going on but didn’t know how to ask, or whether it was okay. I care Dianna and I know how hard this is on so many levels and in so many ways. If you want to talk, I want to listen.
Dianna: I had two patients this weekend. One is an 85 year old man. He’s not going to make it. I asked the treating physician to talk to the family, but he said they’re not ready to hear it. So I have to shove tubes down his throat and up his nose. It’s painful and I feel like I’m torturing him. I’m keeping him alive and in hell. I feel like the devil.
My other patient is a woman who’s going to live but she has to have her leg amputated. We made an exception so her husband can visit for moral support. Other nurses are complaining that she’s getting special treatment and asking why their patients can’t have visitors. I get it, but I wish people would be more understanding and kind.
Frank: I’m so sorry Dianna. You’re right about this hell we’re in right now, but you’re not the devil. You care and that matters.
Dianna: It’s really awful.
Frank: I know. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Dianna: (With more energy in her voice) No. It helps to say it out loud and be validated.
Frank opened his tender heart to Dianna. Within that heart was a space that held her. That space is all Frank can offer and it is enough.