Many of you enjoyed Why Executives Don’t Listen Well, my most read and shared post in 2018. When leaders shouldn’t speak is the sequel, intended to help leaders listen more-better by speaking less.
The idea came to me when I read a quote by Ray Dalio, founder of the largest and most successful U.S. hedge fund, Bridgwater Associates.
Know when not to have an opinion.
According to his book, Principles, Dalio learned this lesson by way of a BIG and very costly failure early in his career. It is now one of his guiding principles.
I see things a little differently. People’s brains leap unconsciously to:
- Form opinions
- Register approval or disapproval
- Find what’s wrong or right and what does or doesn’t resonate
We’re unlikely to stop these automatic processes. What we can do is stop ourselves from believing our brains and refrain from spewing and acting on these ill-informed initial thoughts.
Two questions remain. Why and when leaders shouldn’t speak. Let’s start with why.
Why Leaders Shouldn’t Speak – Psychological Size
Credit for this expression goes to a psychologist I interviewed for her manager’s 360 leadership assessment. “Kara doesn’t realize her psychological size.” It’s an entire paragraph in six words. Due to her position, credibility, personal style and degree of influence, Kara was a psychological giant in the eyes of her direct reports. She often spoke first. She spoke often. She spoke loudly, assuredly and assertively. When she did, the discussion usually ended. But that was at odds with what Kara wanted, a variety of perspectives and opinions to inform decisions. To this end, Kara had to stop speaking first and start speaking less.
Disproportionate psychological size comes with title and power. Humility is the antidote, but we often select leaders for everything but humility. Speaking last, less often and sometimes not at all, is an alternate solution leaders can practice.
How Leaders Shouldn’t Speak
Not speaking is required, but not sufficient. Engaged listening is the second essential ingredient. The intention is to understand, as fully as possible, through a felt-experience that involves your senses and your body. Listen with your eyes, ears, and other senses. Hear the words, tone, cadence, emotional tenor. Observe facial expressions and body language. Smell the nervous sweat. Is the speaker nervous, afraid? Feel your body’s empathic response. Feel your own emotional response. Is your heart open or closed? Do you have a smile on your face, a furrowed brow, a tight stomach?
When Leaders Shouldn’t Speak
It’s impossible to describe every situation in which it’s more effective to listen than to speak, but it is possible to name some.
Don’t speak when:
- Someone is giving you feedback.
- Your team is problem solving and your opinion will slow or halt the flow of ideas.
- The conversation among and between others is developing trust, a better understanding of each other, an improved working relationship.
- Your team is working through a decision that won’t have dire or irreversible consequences. Let them learn to make decisions and be accountable for/to each other.
- People need to feel heard. People usually need to feel heard and you are their most valued listener.
- It’s more important to value other people’s thinking and contributions than to add your two cents.
- People are learning by struggling with the problem. Even though you know how to solve it, when you do, they’re not learning they can do so on their own.
For more on teaching your team to solve problems, see my colleague Liz Kislik’s post Don’t Just Solve Your Team’s Problems. Teach Them How!