I overheard the bully manager berating an employee in the back room. Apparently she didn’t hear me enter the bookstore, or then again, maybe she did.
The bully manager emerged a few minutes later. She stepped up and onto the large raised podium in the center of the store. It served as a check out register, information booth and throne from which the bully manager had oversight of everyone in the store. She loomed large over those who approached, which is exactly what I did.
“I’m looking for a copy of …..” Before I had a chance to name the book, she snapped at me in the same bullying tone she used with her employee. “Can’t you see I’m busy!” It was not a question.
Stunned, I stepped back, as one does when a barking dog charges, bearing its teeth. The step back is a natural reaction that creates a safer distance and a split second for the brain to assess the relative danger. Based on what I did next, I guess my brain registered a very low level threat.
“Why are you being so mean to me?”
Her face softened. The bully manager apologized. Then she stepped down from her podium, went to the stacks and found the book. She handed it to me with grace and kindness, rang me up and thanked me for visiting the store.
The event took place many years ago, but I’ve long remembered how quickly a few words snapped someone out of their mean-ness and into their kindness. We are all capable of both.
The Long Term Effects of Bullying
If you don’t stop the bully, she will continue. You, her victim, will experience ongoing stress. It will affect your hormones and prevent your immune system from operating at its best. On-going bullying will damage your health. You’ll be miserable at work and you’ll bring the misery home. Your performance will suffer. Eventually you’ll leave on your own or be asked to go.
How to Stop the Bully and Why it Works
If you refuse to take the abuse there are two possible outcomes.
- You’ll be fired immediately, or
- The bully will realize that you won’t be bullied and stop trying to bully you.
Whichever happens you emerge with your dignity intact. Geoffrey James contributing editor, Inc.
Remember Pavlov’s dogs? We don’t know what reward the bully gets from her behavior, but we do know she gets it each time she bites you. We also know she receives no feedback about what she’s done, because her victims are too stunned to give it.
Your goal is to stop the bully from reaping her reward. But how? Name her behavior, without calling her a bully. The latter will get her back up and she’s likely to strike out harder. Instead, provide feedback in a way that suggests she examine her behavior.
Why are you being so mean?
Why are you speaking to me so harshly?
Why are you blaming me for something I haven’t done?
You’re giving her an opportunity to pause and look in the mirror. Maybe she’ll accept your invitation. Maybe, like the bookstore manager, she’ll choose kindness instead.
If she stops, you win. If she doesn’t stop, you win by maintaining your dignity and avoiding the long term affects of continued bullying.